I feel like many people can relate to the quote, “When you’re born in burning house, you think the whole world is on fire” by Richard Kadrey. As I reach the ripe age of 21, I am trying to end being in constant fight or flight. However, this seems to be a trivial as I cannot seem to stay afloat for more than a couple days at a time. The cost of everything is getting higher, people are tipping less, and classes are getting harder.
As a senior in high school, I made the choice to not go to college for Basketball. For context, my older sister was a Divison I basketball player at the time and I was attending a prep school for basketball. My parents decided to finally cut me off because I had wasted their money. If I could go back and make the choice again, I would’ve still quit. At the time, I had no work experience and no concept of money. However, after reading how many people are heavily burdened by student loans, I knew I wouldn’t be going into dept.
In the spring of 2022, I got my first job as a server in Olive Garden. My hourly was around three dollars because I was a tipped worker. After graduation, moving back home, and then moving out. I was able to get a two jobs at two different restaurant as server and bartender. After many double shifts, I was able to save up enough to pay for a semester of college. In the fall, I attended my local community college and continued working over forty hours a week. I’ve blocked most of this out of my memory because I could only think about making it through freshman year. The next year I transferred to my local state college and continued the same work schedule. There were many late nights and very early mornings, but I had the energy was I was eighteen and nineteen.
Now, I understand the difference between eighteen and twenty-one is very small in the grand scheme of things. Honestly, the time has flown by so quickly that I can’t believe I can legally drink. However, the level of responsibility I had at such a young age has forced me to mature. That is not to say I am not grateful for that because I am a better person for it. But, sometimes I do wish I’ve missed out on the “college experience” for a grueling one that has pushed me to my breaking point more than once.
This year, I decided to work a little less because I am approaching burn out. In this knew found free time, I have had little moments of tranquility. In these reflection periods, I find myself wondering, what the hell am I doing all this for? I thought I wanted to get a PhD, and I still do, but I cannot continue to survive on fumes for any longer than I need to. I wasn’t born into a burning house, or maybe I was(that’s a can of worms for later), but the house I’ve built has been burning for three years. I’m slowly putting the fire out and seeing past the smoke. I see many different paths, none with a clear sign saying “success this way” or “trail leading to happiness”.
After living in a state of fight or flight for sometime, I find it hard to stick to a decision and fully go with it. I know how everything can shift in a minute and I understand the stress of having no money. The helpless feeling of stagnancy has plagued my mind for the past year. I’ve forgotten what its felt like to be able to take a deep breath, and I’m scared of what it’ll feel like when I do.
Mara Unfiltered 